Death

A student killed thirty something people at a college in Virginia. You never know when you're going to go. It bothers me. I don't take a day for granted, not only because it might be my last, but also because I'd like for it not to be. Not taking life for granted means not only acknowledging that life is short, but also doing our best to make it long. So we try to be healthy, and we try to be careful. What else can we do? I've always had an overactive imagination. I mostly consider it a good thing. As Jack London wrote of the man in his story "To Build A Fire," the man's problem was that he lacked imagination. He never foresaw himself freezing to death. I've done, and still do, some daring things, but never without practice and careful assessment, and maybe that's helped to keep me from any serious injury. Imagination on the other hand can also paralyze us with fear. I've worried sick over uncontrollable, even ridiculous, possibilities. Jesus doesn't want us to fear. God is in control. Not even a sparrow "will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father" (Matt 10:29) Tragedy disturbs me terribly, and never as much as senseless, stupid violence. Sometimes I break into a sweat when I consider that I have brought kids into this place. I have to trust God, to trust Father's good plan and align myself with it. I want to truly say, "To live is Christ, to die is gain" (Phil 1:21).

We had waterfront property for a little while. We rented a small storage unit for a month, and just across the chain link security fence was a pond. Retrieving the few pieces of furniture we had stored, I savored the quiet view one last time before closing the account. It appears that we will not be moving as quickly as we, in our finite reasoning, had determined we should. The storage unit compound is on a gentle slope with smooth pavement and lots of little drop-offs built in, and I looked up and down with my skateboard in hand after loading up the Explorer. I really wanted to skate the place on my final departure, but the security cameras intimidated me. Had I thought better about it, I'd have realized that surely no one is employed to stare at a huge storage unit complex on screen. That would be intensely boring, and probably useless. Still, I didn't want any trouble before I got my deposit back. I suppose that was a violation of Resolution number three: fear less. I slipped my board back into the back of the Explorer, beside my great-grandfather's delapidated red vinyl chair, and left quietly.

Sunday, 31 December 2006

My three New Year's resolutions are to give more ruthlessly, love more intently, and fear less. It may seem that giving is the only resolution I have any control over, while love and fear are contingent on what God enables me to do. In fact, everything is contingent on soveriegn God's enabling, so an act of giving is no more in my ability than an act of loving or an act of not fearing. Conversely, decisions to love or to be more fearless are no less beyond my range of responsibility than is a choice to give. God is in control, and our greatest and most underesimated power is prayerfully seeking Him in worship, study and meditation, for without Him, as Augustine said, we cannot will to will. All of these-- giving, loving, and fearlessness-- are so closely related as to be intertwined. Ultimately, I want more than just what's right. Doing what's right is for religious people. I want to learn self-sacrifice from the King who endured a cross, and who calls to us, "Follow me."